So, it's been awhile since I have touched this blog.  Life has been happening and I have to be in a certain mindset to write down my crazy thoughts.  I'm still managing at Dunkin', just for a different franchise now.  I am content, just for today.  I'm learning that I am really the only one in charge of my day.  

I found some old pictures pre-2014 of me and others.  I do not recognize myself.  The fact that I spent years living my life in such an over-medicated, fucked-up state of being, rocks me.  I do not want to spend this new chapter of my life being regretful for the past.  At times it is very hard.  The hardest pill to swallow is where I failed at being a good wife and mother.  There is no turning back time.  I lived at that time for my primary relationship, the drugs and I.  I superficially raised my kids-I was there but I missed so many moments that counted.  I sat back the other night and wondered how many hours of my life did I spend barricaded in my bathroom.  Its ridiculous.  When your eyes are clear for a few years and you see just how sick you were it it feels like looking at someone elses life.  That's how it is for me.  I am 53 and for the last 6 years have been learning how to live my life.  Thankful that I have 2 sons who still include me in their lives.  I am desperate to create new and beautiful memories with them.  Work consumes me every minute, but it's a much healthier addiction I suppose.  Why God has let me live and continue to receive blessings is a testament to Him, not me.  I have people in my life now who support and believe in me.  People count on me to make decisions.  I'm in charge of a business.  I close my eyes and imagine how my life would be today if I would have never touched that first drug.  And then I open them because that is how regrets happen.  

My alarm goes off at 3:30am 6 days a week.  I go to work.  I do the best I can to be a decent human being daily.  The friends that I have are solid- the people I live with I consider to be family.  We all do our own thing, but again, we are all solid.  The gratitude flows constantly and in this moment and time-life is good.