Saturday, my big one day off a week. Woo hoo-sigh, not really. Laundry and errands, and personal care (hair-washing, shaving etc) I love waking up with no alarm. My life is run by alarm clocks and timers. Considering how I used to live my life it is mind-blowing to me how structured my life is these last few years. It took me my whole life to master personal discipline. I found I thrive with structure. I like knowing what tomorrow brings. Continuity is a beautiful thing. The days are going quickly, fall has landed without warning and I'm in love with this crisp weather. Binge watching series has been filling my limited free time and I'm now watching 6 Feet Under. Not a new series but one that I really am liking.
For the very first time in my life I am content being along. Last year was the year of loneliness and I was miserable. I tried sharing some of my life with another person but came back home here in March. Now I am changed. I no longer crave companionship. It's crazy. This is the first time in my entire life that I love being alone. Yes, I have roommates and friends in my life. My favorite part of the day is when I come home from a 10 hour shift, shower, and sit down in my room with a meal and unwind for the night. I literally anticipate those few hours daily and can't wait. I don't really know if I want to share myself with another
person at this time right now. Very selfish these days with my time. I give 100% at work to so many fg people and I just don't have anything left after I clock out. I haven't met anyone that makes me want to change the mode I am in right now. I guess everything happens in cycles, idfk. But this current cycle is 100% about me and it feels perfect. So many years were spent in a haze of drugs, men and chaos that the clarity and peace I feel these days is pretty fucking wonderful. I savor every minute of my life. I just, probably like every person over 40, wish that I would have been this woman years ago. Maybe when you finally figure things out is when it's your time to go, who knows? I do hope that the man above gives me some more years so at least I can spend more time getting there on the jourey.
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