Wednesday- No Dunkin'

Wednesday is my new day off.  Simply too busy at the store on Saturdays to take off.  I work so fucking much and way too hard.  Yet, so does most people in this world right now from what I can see.  Double expresso shots bought between jobs.  Mothers rushing to grab a coffee to start their day of work.  The world is so nuts right now.  Everyone rushing to get here and there.  Rushing to make money to survive, not thrive, just to pay rent and buy food.  I worked 15 hours yesterday.  My body is feeling it today.  Aches and pains and lethargy.  The laundry is drying and then there will be the Walmart run for essentials.  Wish I could just lay in bed today but when you only have one day a week off, things have to get done.  

The world is different, in my perspective, when you are solo.  I have no back-up plan, no relief for a crisis.  I spent my whole life either married or in a relationship.  This is a new experience.  I'm trying to create a sembalance of a life for myself.  My goal is to try to save money.  I go tomorrow for my road test, then I will have my actual drivers license.  Next on the list is a car.  Car=Freedom. I am surprised that the life I have built for myself thus far has all happened without owning a car.  I drove Sabrina's car the other day and once I got behind the wheel I realized just how much I miss driving.  By March or April my roommates and I are planning to go our separate ways and owning a car will make it much easier.  The anxiety I'm feeling about the upcoming plans isn't a bad kind, just the feeling that something new is going to happen.  I hate change, but change usually works for the best.  

Off to conquer the day!

Saturday Morning

 Beautiful, overcast, peaceful Saturday morning.  Off work thank God.  Actually sitting down and eating a nice breakfast instead of standing up shoving bites of food in my mouth between customers.  These are the moments that make me happy.  Peace, simple yet so elusive in this world. 

I took Niko to the cat rescue the other day to get him neutered.  I felt so guilty dropping him off smh.  It's a pretty cool program they have.  They spay and neuter all stray and neighborhood cats and also once a month you can bring your cat in and get him taken care of, neutered, rabies etc all for $25.  I think that alot of people love animals but unfortunetly can't afford to care for them.  Taking a pet to the vet is about as expensive as it is for us humans.  It is nice to know that there are places available to reduce the price of caring for your animal.  I have always been a dog person, but since they don't allow them here I have Niko.  I love that he is independent and shares his affection with everyone in our house.  He literally makes his rounds from room to room, person to person.  Niko brings me comfort and affection.  I don't think I'm ready for anything more then that right now.  An animals needs are so simple.  People- not so much.  Dealing with another person and all their complexities, issues and baggage I know would overwhelm me because I know how much of all that I carry with myself.  My whole life has always been entertwined with another- entangled, twisted and merged.  I feel like now I can actually breathe, at my own speed and time.  Maybe I'm just now officially crazy as I get older, but I no longer give a fuck.  Getting comfortable in your own skin has taken me a lifetime.  I guess my biggest fear is that I will lose this feeling if I start a new relationship right now.  I am only accountable for me and that feels great.

We Can Be Heroes

 I wil be king and you will be queen-Yes!!! Fuck Yes!! God there will never be another David Bowie.  His song Heroes is my go to song whenever I feel like a fucked up human being.  There are still many days when I question my purpose and entire existence.  It can get very painful, you know?  Too much self-analyzing does me in.  Then out of nowhere I will have that day where everything is so fluid and perfect-my inner turmoil is silent and the magic moments just flow.  It's my Heroes moment- just for one day.

Doing Me

 Saturday, my big one day off a week.  Woo hoo-sigh, not really.  Laundry and errands, and personal care (hair-washing, shaving etc)   I love waking up with no alarm.  My life is run by alarm clocks and timers.  Considering how I used to live my life it is mind-blowing to me how structured my life is these last few years. It took me my whole life to master personal discipline.  I found I thrive with structure.  I like knowing what tomorrow brings.  Continuity is a beautiful thing.  The days are going quickly, fall has landed without warning and I'm in love with this crisp weather.  Binge watching series has been filling my limited free time and I'm now watching 6 Feet Under.  Not a new series but one that I really am liking.  

For the very first time in my life I am content being along.  Last year was the year of loneliness and I was miserable.  I tried sharing some of my life with another person but came back home here in March.  Now I am changed.  I no longer crave companionship.  It's crazy.  This is the first time in my entire life that I love being alone.  Yes, I have roommates and friends in my life.  My favorite part of the day is when I come home from a 10 hour shift, shower, and sit down in my room with a meal and unwind for the night.  I literally anticipate those few hours daily and can't wait.  I don't really know if I want to share myself with another 

person at this time right now.  Very selfish these days with my time.  I give 100% at work to so many fg people and I just don't have anything left after I clock out.  I haven't met anyone that makes me want to change the mode I am in right now.  I guess everything happens in cycles, idfk.  But this current cycle is 100% about me and it feels perfect.  So many years were spent in a haze of drugs, men and chaos that the clarity and peace I feel these days is pretty fucking wonderful. I savor every minute of my life.  I just, probably like every person over 40, wish that I would have been this woman years ago.  Maybe when you finally figure things out is when it's your time to go, who knows?  I do hope that the man above gives me some more years so at least I can spend more time getting there on the jourey. 

Sunday

 Sunday’s running Dunkin’ suck the life out of me. Every Sunday morning I wake up and say “Susan, today is going to be great”- positive self talk etc. It just never fails. It’s always people. People who need, want, demand etc. News flash- I am one fucking person.  I am a master juggler, of people and their needs, but even I get drained.

So here’s hoping tomorrow is a better day 😂 

 So, it's been awhile since I have touched this blog.  Life has been happening and I have to be in a certain mindset to write down my crazy thoughts.  I'm still managing at Dunkin', just for a different franchise now.  I am content, just for today.  I'm learning that I am really the only one in charge of my day.  

I found some old pictures pre-2014 of me and others.  I do not recognize myself.  The fact that I spent years living my life in such an over-medicated, fucked-up state of being, rocks me.  I do not want to spend this new chapter of my life being regretful for the past.  At times it is very hard.  The hardest pill to swallow is where I failed at being a good wife and mother.  There is no turning back time.  I lived at that time for my primary relationship, the drugs and I.  I superficially raised my kids-I was there but I missed so many moments that counted.  I sat back the other night and wondered how many hours of my life did I spend barricaded in my bathroom.  Its ridiculous.  When your eyes are clear for a few years and you see just how sick you were it it feels like looking at someone elses life.  That's how it is for me.  I am 53 and for the last 6 years have been learning how to live my life.  Thankful that I have 2 sons who still include me in their lives.  I am desperate to create new and beautiful memories with them.  Work consumes me every minute, but it's a much healthier addiction I suppose.  Why God has let me live and continue to receive blessings is a testament to Him, not me.  I have people in my life now who support and believe in me.  People count on me to make decisions.  I'm in charge of a business.  I close my eyes and imagine how my life would be today if I would have never touched that first drug.  And then I open them because that is how regrets happen.  

My alarm goes off at 3:30am 6 days a week.  I go to work.  I do the best I can to be a decent human being daily.  The friends that I have are solid- the people I live with I consider to be family.  We all do our own thing, but again, we are all solid.  The gratitude flows constantly and in this moment and time-life is good.