Here, there and everywhere!

So it's Sunday.  I worked for a few this morning, paperwork etc.  Saw my PO.  He is awesome!  I am done therapy in November, officially discharged.  Keep moving forward.  I am simply trying to maintain what I am doing these days.  I made a decision that there will be no big changes in my life until around February.  Life maintance.! I wonder if other people wake up everyday and have to plan their lives in such a careful way?  Bottom line, is for me, it's working.  I also made a decision to stop being wishful for things that just aren't meant to be.  I thought long and hard about this.  I think the reason I do a lot of amazing and nice things for other people, is because deep down inside I am hoping that maybe, just maybe they will respond and do something similar for me.  When it doesn't happen, I get so fucking disappointed.  I always try to anticipate what other people I care about need.  I'm wonderful at that.  So, as I'm cleaning my house it hit me that really there is no one who actually genuinely worries or shows concern for what I might need or want.  People say how much they love me etc..no, you love my abilities to make shit happen and what I do for you.  That's not the same as loving me. That was a rude awakening.  I do have my kids and Tasha's family in York.  If I got sick tomorrow there is no one in Harrisburg that is going to sit with me and bring me a bowl of soup.  Make me laugh etc. That is really how I feel.  I might be wrong, but lately that is where I'm at.  So now I have to figure out how to do things a little differently in a way that will make things better for me personally.  I am starting to really miss certain people who used to be in my life, but I refuse to go backwards.  If it didn't end well then, I seriously doubt anything would change for round 2. There is only 1 person I have met that I truly would love to hang out with and spend time with, and I am starting to realize that it probably isn't going to happen so bottom line, I need to get my head out of my ass. I am practicing patience for the first time in my life and somedays, it absolutely sucks!  That being said, my life is working so I guess patience isn't that bad after all.