Feelings, so deep in my feelings...always!

I envy unemotional people.  Life would be so much easier for me if I didn't have to feel everything so BIG!  I literally have to tell myself that whatever I am going through is just an emotion and it will pass.  Other people seem to do it naturally.  Nope, not me, lol.  I am not that person.  However, I am getting better with my emotions and impulse control, although it's still a struggle.  LOTS of therapy!

 I'm working on dealing with the whole "living alone" thing.  Most days I love it, other days I absolutely cry my eyes out.  I never realized how many people I had that I took for granted and thought they would always be there.  Now that I live in Harrisburg, totally alone, with no one except me, I think about that a lot.  Outwardly, people have no clue.  I am the perfect picture of "I'm Fine"...I am so good at that.  It's what I do.  I am really scared with all of the holidays coming up.  Wtf am I going to do??  With who??  J is trying to get up here and Jason is stuck in Florida.  Also, normally I would just grab a plane ticket and go, but I am chained to the store right now and that is how I am paying my bills.  There are all kinds of prison in life, lol.  Plus, I do care about the store and the success of the store.  That being said I am spun so tight lately, I don't know how to find relief.  The men that are trying to talk to me don't get it for me, and the one person I am crazy about, really has no idea and she simply doesn't "see" me.  She has a real life.  I can't be mad.  I, of all people, know better than to wish to be wanted by someone who doesn't want me back. She is the definition of Dope!

So, sitting here crying.  Des just called me and we did the video chat..  She is getting her shit together.  We have stayed friends through it all.  I fg miss her so much.  She is the first female who taught me about "real girl love".  She held it down better than most men I know. Now she is doing her thing far away from me and I am doing mine but it will always be all love.  I was really worried about her like a month ago, but seeing her face on video I feel a lot better.  That's always going to be my friend, no matter what!  See, freaking emotions suck, lol.  But than I wouldn't be me, just the way I am , and that would really suck even more, you know?