Work, work, work!!

I too tired to write because I work almost every minute of everyday.  I can't make this up.  Maybe something will give soon where I can finally get some balance or fun.  I'm starting to forget what fun actually feels like!  I would love to have time to just turn on some music and deep clean my apartment and relax.  Not fun, but would make me feel better.

Note to self

Doin' The Damn Thing!

I am content today.  Just reflecting that this time last year was very different.  Waiting to get released, frustrated etc.  What a difference time makes!  I am actually doing a good job running the store, I'm surrounded with positive people in my life (that's an absolute first) and I finally am getting my little apartment comfy and cozy.  Learning that it's ok to be alone and do me.  Not great with that all the time but I'm getting there.

My sons are both doing well.  That makes me happy.  I can't wait til they can get up here.  Jay I talk to the most, probably because I stalk his ass on Snap.  Jason and I talk when we are both able to but he works like I do so it's not as much as I like.  I'm very proud of both boys.  I did so much wrong, but in spite of that they fucking rock!

I wish I could feel the way I feel tonight all the time.  I am friends with this awesome chick who is totally Zen every single minute.  If they named a planet after her it would be called Planet Chill.  She is my new life role model, lol.  The dopest female I have ever met in a long time.  Hannah is officially moved and it's kind of strange being in this apt building without her.  Even though we both work like crazy, I am going to miss just knowing she is here.  When we did get to spend time together, we would always wind up having the best, meaningful conversations.  Every day that goes by I am getting more comfortable just being me.  Finally able to relax around new friends I have made cause I feel like I am not being judged.  Ok, I need to turn this thing off and go to bed.  This is staying up late for me during the week.  Such is my life today.

Here, there and everywhere!

So it's Sunday.  I worked for a few this morning, paperwork etc.  Saw my PO.  He is awesome!  I am done therapy in November, officially discharged.  Keep moving forward.  I am simply trying to maintain what I am doing these days.  I made a decision that there will be no big changes in my life until around February.  Life maintance.! I wonder if other people wake up everyday and have to plan their lives in such a careful way?  Bottom line, is for me, it's working.  I also made a decision to stop being wishful for things that just aren't meant to be.  I thought long and hard about this.  I think the reason I do a lot of amazing and nice things for other people, is because deep down inside I am hoping that maybe, just maybe they will respond and do something similar for me.  When it doesn't happen, I get so fucking disappointed.  I always try to anticipate what other people I care about need.  I'm wonderful at that.  So, as I'm cleaning my house it hit me that really there is no one who actually genuinely worries or shows concern for what I might need or want.  People say how much they love me etc..no, you love my abilities to make shit happen and what I do for you.  That's not the same as loving me. That was a rude awakening.  I do have my kids and Tasha's family in York.  If I got sick tomorrow there is no one in Harrisburg that is going to sit with me and bring me a bowl of soup.  Make me laugh etc. That is really how I feel.  I might be wrong, but lately that is where I'm at.  So now I have to figure out how to do things a little differently in a way that will make things better for me personally.  I am starting to really miss certain people who used to be in my life, but I refuse to go backwards.  If it didn't end well then, I seriously doubt anything would change for round 2. There is only 1 person I have met that I truly would love to hang out with and spend time with, and I am starting to realize that it probably isn't going to happen so bottom line, I need to get my head out of my ass. I am practicing patience for the first time in my life and somedays, it absolutely sucks!  That being said, my life is working so I guess patience isn't that bad after all.

Now What?

Simply put, now what?  I accomplished a lot of my goals, so, now what???? The big question is- am I ever going to be able to feel anything again and let someone in without losing me? That is the biggest question I have lately.

Feelings, so deep in my feelings...always!

I envy unemotional people.  Life would be so much easier for me if I didn't have to feel everything so BIG!  I literally have to tell myself that whatever I am going through is just an emotion and it will pass.  Other people seem to do it naturally.  Nope, not me, lol.  I am not that person.  However, I am getting better with my emotions and impulse control, although it's still a struggle.  LOTS of therapy!

 I'm working on dealing with the whole "living alone" thing.  Most days I love it, other days I absolutely cry my eyes out.  I never realized how many people I had that I took for granted and thought they would always be there.  Now that I live in Harrisburg, totally alone, with no one except me, I think about that a lot.  Outwardly, people have no clue.  I am the perfect picture of "I'm Fine"...I am so good at that.  It's what I do.  I am really scared with all of the holidays coming up.  Wtf am I going to do??  With who??  J is trying to get up here and Jason is stuck in Florida.  Also, normally I would just grab a plane ticket and go, but I am chained to the store right now and that is how I am paying my bills.  There are all kinds of prison in life, lol.  Plus, I do care about the store and the success of the store.  That being said I am spun so tight lately, I don't know how to find relief.  The men that are trying to talk to me don't get it for me, and the one person I am crazy about, really has no idea and she simply doesn't "see" me.  She has a real life.  I can't be mad.  I, of all people, know better than to wish to be wanted by someone who doesn't want me back. She is the definition of Dope!

So, sitting here crying.  Des just called me and we did the video chat..  She is getting her shit together.  We have stayed friends through it all.  I fg miss her so much.  She is the first female who taught me about "real girl love".  She held it down better than most men I know. Now she is doing her thing far away from me and I am doing mine but it will always be all love.  I was really worried about her like a month ago, but seeing her face on video I feel a lot better.  That's always going to be my friend, no matter what!  See, freaking emotions suck, lol.  But than I wouldn't be me, just the way I am , and that would really suck even more, you know?

End Death By Incarceration!

Everyone has a circumstance and a situation.  Everyone has a story.  Let's support those who don't have a voice and are just a number and a case.

Still spun tight, but it's getting a little better

So, I finally got a good nights sleep last night.  I actually woke up fresh.  What a difference 6 hours makes versus the usual 4.  Lesson learned.  I actually got to do "manager stuff" today.  Finally able to go through some things on the computer and desk.

I also learned how uptight I am around someone I adore.  Smh, I absolutely need to learn how to relax!  Why I am weird like this, I have no idea.  Around people that don't truly matter, I can get loose real quick.  Put someone that I actually want to be with and around and Bam!  I absolutely get stuck.  Maybe because it's been so long since I've been around anyone that actually matters to me, outside of my kids.  I really think it's time I got my medical weed card.  I have high anxiety and can't take benzos.  I don't ever want to be dependent on a pill bottle again.  However, weed always did it for me, way before all the real drugs happened.  The only thing I ever damaged on weed was the food in my fridge!  I don't know, just my honest thoughts.

 Random things in my brain-  it's been a minute since I met a female who is absolutely more thorough than most men I know.  Men are easy, but a real female is rare and hard to find.  Why I do this to myself I have absolutely no idea.  I always want what I can't have.  I'm at the point where rather deal with some of the men I know, I'd rather wait and see what this person is about.  I just wish I didn't make shit so awkward because I'm scared.  All I want in this situation is some time and attention and friendship and intimacy.  Not trying to disrupt a friends life.  We shall see...

I'm off tomorrow.  Going to hang with Hannah and go to a rally.  End Death By Incarceration..It's at the Capitol which is one street from my house.  I believe in the cause and I am incredibly excited to see my friends from upstate.  It's important for people to see that change can happen, and second chances are worth giving if someone is ready. I'm living proof.