My glorious and much needed weekly day off. I made myself promise not to set foot in the store today. I won't, at least not this morning. I literally live right across the street, can't even smoke a whole cigarette from my house to work. I will roll through tonight as I need coffee. Such is my life in downtown. I can walk anywhere. This is awesome as I do not currently own a car. My job, bank, doctor and basic stores are all within 5 minutes of my apartment on foot.
It's strange living and working here. New city, living alone. I know how everyone in Harrisburg drinks their coffee, yet I don't really know anyone. A weird paradox. My life is full of paradoxes. Always has been. I love being alone, yet I get lonely. I'm stone cold clear-headed, yet there are absolutely moments where I miss the haze of narcotic bliss. Not enough to ever indulge, more like a reminiscing of past ways to relieve stress. Writing has always been my go to stress reliever. People and what they say out of their mouths usually disappoint, Not always, but usually. Take the phrase "I got you" People say that constantly. It doesn't mean anything to me anymore. God and myself "got me." That is the truth that I know. I'm learning that when someone I care for breaks my heart or disappoints me, I still have to be ok. It's how I deal with that feeling that matters. I have to be ok no matter what. No self-medication changes the fact of hurt feelings. It might relieve them for a minute, but doesn't change it. This understanding has been the beginning of me starting to heal and get better. Everyday I work on staying centered. What other people do is one thing, it's my response that counts. I made a decision last night that if you are someone that I care for and I am constantly giving my all and being the best me for you, and yet I get the minimal effort back, why am I bothering? This is a hard struggle for me. I require so little lately, but sometimes I feel like I am getting less than little back in certain situations. No matter how much it hurts or makes me uncomfortable, than deep inside I know it's time to fall back and move forward. That is my commitment for today. Just for today I refuse to settle for less than my worth. Lol, now lets see if I can actually do this. I'll take daily progress for now. What else is there?
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