One of the best HBO series ever...Indeed!
Monday, September 24, 2018
Joy comes in the morning, especially Mondays because I'm off!!!
My glorious and much needed weekly day off. I made myself promise not to set foot in the store today. I won't, at least not this morning. I literally live right across the street, can't even smoke a whole cigarette from my house to work. I will roll through tonight as I need coffee. Such is my life in downtown. I can walk anywhere. This is awesome as I do not currently own a car. My job, bank, doctor and basic stores are all within 5 minutes of my apartment on foot.
It's strange living and working here. New city, living alone. I know how everyone in Harrisburg drinks their coffee, yet I don't really know anyone. A weird paradox. My life is full of paradoxes. Always has been. I love being alone, yet I get lonely. I'm stone cold clear-headed, yet there are absolutely moments where I miss the haze of narcotic bliss. Not enough to ever indulge, more like a reminiscing of past ways to relieve stress. Writing has always been my go to stress reliever. People and what they say out of their mouths usually disappoint, Not always, but usually. Take the phrase "I got you" People say that constantly. It doesn't mean anything to me anymore. God and myself "got me." That is the truth that I know. I'm learning that when someone I care for breaks my heart or disappoints me, I still have to be ok. It's how I deal with that feeling that matters. I have to be ok no matter what. No self-medication changes the fact of hurt feelings. It might relieve them for a minute, but doesn't change it. This understanding has been the beginning of me starting to heal and get better. Everyday I work on staying centered. What other people do is one thing, it's my response that counts. I made a decision last night that if you are someone that I care for and I am constantly giving my all and being the best me for you, and yet I get the minimal effort back, why am I bothering? This is a hard struggle for me. I require so little lately, but sometimes I feel like I am getting less than little back in certain situations. No matter how much it hurts or makes me uncomfortable, than deep inside I know it's time to fall back and move forward. That is my commitment for today. Just for today I refuse to settle for less than my worth. Lol, now lets see if I can actually do this. I'll take daily progress for now. What else is there?
It's strange living and working here. New city, living alone. I know how everyone in Harrisburg drinks their coffee, yet I don't really know anyone. A weird paradox. My life is full of paradoxes. Always has been. I love being alone, yet I get lonely. I'm stone cold clear-headed, yet there are absolutely moments where I miss the haze of narcotic bliss. Not enough to ever indulge, more like a reminiscing of past ways to relieve stress. Writing has always been my go to stress reliever. People and what they say out of their mouths usually disappoint, Not always, but usually. Take the phrase "I got you" People say that constantly. It doesn't mean anything to me anymore. God and myself "got me." That is the truth that I know. I'm learning that when someone I care for breaks my heart or disappoints me, I still have to be ok. It's how I deal with that feeling that matters. I have to be ok no matter what. No self-medication changes the fact of hurt feelings. It might relieve them for a minute, but doesn't change it. This understanding has been the beginning of me starting to heal and get better. Everyday I work on staying centered. What other people do is one thing, it's my response that counts. I made a decision last night that if you are someone that I care for and I am constantly giving my all and being the best me for you, and yet I get the minimal effort back, why am I bothering? This is a hard struggle for me. I require so little lately, but sometimes I feel like I am getting less than little back in certain situations. No matter how much it hurts or makes me uncomfortable, than deep inside I know it's time to fall back and move forward. That is my commitment for today. Just for today I refuse to settle for less than my worth. Lol, now lets see if I can actually do this. I'll take daily progress for now. What else is there?
Wednesday, September 19, 2018
What a difference a year makes!
Today was a good day. Just got Comcast set up in my little apartment. I now feel like an official member of society, lol. I'm sitting here just thinking about where I was this time last year and it blows my mind. I was in Cambridge, irritated and frustrated because my home plan had gotten denied and I felt stuck. Now I have a good job, an apartment and am slowly surrounding myself with good, healthy people. My old case manager gave me the phrase, "Just do the next right thing"..I have been running with it ever since. Something as simple as that. Maybe that's the key. Actually keeping my life super simple. No unrealistic expectations. Haven't perfected that one yet, but I am way more realistic than I have ever been. I now understand that people simply suck at times and that I just have to be prepared to deal with that painful life truth, lol. Another key piece of advice that I got was "You have to meet people where they're at". I'm trying to practice that everyday. Not easy, but I'm working on it.
So fucking tired from the early mornings, but I do like getting off early enough to have some kind of day left. That's what keeps me getting up when I hear the alarm at 3am. A refrigerator full of food is calling my name along with my remote. Today was a good day!
So fucking tired from the early mornings, but I do like getting off early enough to have some kind of day left. That's what keeps me getting up when I hear the alarm at 3am. A refrigerator full of food is calling my name along with my remote. Today was a good day!
Sunday, September 16, 2018
Here's Me...and all my words
I love words!!! Not very good at speaking them, but God I love to write them. I'm finally in a position to start writing again and that makes me happy. Simple things work for me.
I am currently living in Harrisburg, PA, starting my new life. My old life was filled with no focus, addiction and just existing. Oh and throw some prison time in that mix. Can't forget that part! I don't recommend anyone going to prison if you need to think and regroup, but if you happen to go, that is absolutely the place to do it.
I got arrested June 1, 2014. I got released December 18th, 2017 to a DOC halfway house. So I was still living in a "prison" halfway house. For someone who was very spoiled and entitled for most of her life, landing in that situation with absolutely nothing was a pivotal moment. I had already made a commitment to change upstate, but I still thought "I want to change, but I like being comfortable." Nope, it didn't work out like that. Turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I walked everywhere, got a job and walked 3 miles each day total to and from work. In the rain, snow, whatever, I did it. Moved into my own place April 13th of this year. Now the general manager of the store. Paying my bills, 100% clear-headed and grateful. When I wake up in the morning I still can't believe this is my life.
It's so weird living in a new place! I literally live right downtown. The Capital of Pa is one street away from my apartment. I'm still getting used to all the sounds and noises of living in the city. Constant cars, people and activity! I wake up at 3am to go to work. People are still out and about like it's daytime. I'm from Baltimore, but never lived in the city full time so this is still a daily culture shock. One minute you see the mayor walking down the street and the next so many homeless people strolling up and down. A very diverse mix of individuals. It's been interesting and an adjustment, but I wouldn't trade my life today for anything. So this is my first post, kind of a brief intro to me.
My goal daily is simple...keep my crazy in the cage and make daily life super simple.
I am currently living in Harrisburg, PA, starting my new life. My old life was filled with no focus, addiction and just existing. Oh and throw some prison time in that mix. Can't forget that part! I don't recommend anyone going to prison if you need to think and regroup, but if you happen to go, that is absolutely the place to do it.
I got arrested June 1, 2014. I got released December 18th, 2017 to a DOC halfway house. So I was still living in a "prison" halfway house. For someone who was very spoiled and entitled for most of her life, landing in that situation with absolutely nothing was a pivotal moment. I had already made a commitment to change upstate, but I still thought "I want to change, but I like being comfortable." Nope, it didn't work out like that. Turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I walked everywhere, got a job and walked 3 miles each day total to and from work. In the rain, snow, whatever, I did it. Moved into my own place April 13th of this year. Now the general manager of the store. Paying my bills, 100% clear-headed and grateful. When I wake up in the morning I still can't believe this is my life.
It's so weird living in a new place! I literally live right downtown. The Capital of Pa is one street away from my apartment. I'm still getting used to all the sounds and noises of living in the city. Constant cars, people and activity! I wake up at 3am to go to work. People are still out and about like it's daytime. I'm from Baltimore, but never lived in the city full time so this is still a daily culture shock. One minute you see the mayor walking down the street and the next so many homeless people strolling up and down. A very diverse mix of individuals. It's been interesting and an adjustment, but I wouldn't trade my life today for anything. So this is my first post, kind of a brief intro to me.
My goal daily is simple...keep my crazy in the cage and make daily life super simple.
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